I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
…żyje?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science