There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.