I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit