Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory