Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.