Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
You Might Also Like
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.