how much for the angry fruit?
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?