(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.