It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
doing your own taxes
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.