Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
c’mon!
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him