*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.