Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
PARKOUR
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.