[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Probably my best painting.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle