mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.