All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake