When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*