The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I love snow
– People who never shovel
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…