Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?