Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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I identify as an antique shop.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.