It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
You Might Also Like
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.