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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever