Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
You Might Also Like
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
choose your gary
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!