How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
You Might Also Like
The cashier just checked me out.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.