I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*