The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
good work, everybody
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.