Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
You Might Also Like
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.