Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.