Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Time heals everything 🙂
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭