If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
No chill.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.