Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
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Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.