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Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?