reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.