{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
any last words?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.