I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.