Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”