Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”