I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
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I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.