DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
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FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
📽️movie date🎞️
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to