HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days