Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.