Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
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She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The happy life.. 😊
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.