Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.