You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
A short story about romance.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Never forget.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.