umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!