“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Not all heroes wear capes…
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
are they though??