How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.