Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.