That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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OH. COME. ON.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.