I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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WWE is French for “yes”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Merica.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.