Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know